In order to make a family business work, family members have to work at it.

That’s the important message from Dr. Steve Treat, a marriage and family therapist and CEO Emeritus of the Council for Relationships in Philadelphia, who spoke during an education session at ASI Show Orlando on Jan. 4.

Dr. Steve Treat shared important insights with ASI Orlando attendees on working through personal dynamics with intention, in order to keep a family business healthy and intact.

“Only 15% of family businesses make it to the third generation of ownership because the family can’t figure things out,” he said during “Family Business Fundamentals: Enhancing Communication & Connections.” “Members need to lean into the ‘family’ aspect, process it out loud and have meetings on how they’re relating to each other.”

It has to be intentional, said Treat: Focus on feedback, the dynamic between different family members, how you communicate to others and what you elicit from them – is it closeness or distance?

“Parents and their kids will have thousands of interactions,” said Treat. “Is there fear there, or trust?”

Among the basic skills that family members should practice are thinking systematically (how all members are interconnected) versus linearly (looking for scapegoats and blaming others), and sharing responsibility for both achievements and mistakes. “Nine-tenths of the game is how we get through conflict,” said Treat. “Have a disagreement, then come back in self-reflection and apologize. And be able to process that reflection – and your imperfections – out loud.”

Another important skill is differentiation – being able to hold onto yourself during conflict and not panicking or lashing out. Society pays certain people, like first responders and pilots, not to panic in difficult situations, Treat noted. Talk through conflicts and take responsibility together for being part of the change.

Most importantly, have empathy for each other’s imperfections and behavior, as well as your own. That’s rooted in humility and recognizing that no one is perfect. “Try to understand your own and others’ behavior, where it comes from,” advised Treat. “Don’t repeat the behavior of others out of anger. Work with your humility to find empathy for others.”